Saturday, October 17, 2009


Did you ever feel like you're in a total funk? Like, while you're not unhappy you feel joyless? Like, your brain knows you're happy because you have everything you've ever wanted and your life is rich with blessings and love and friends and family and support, but you're on autopilot? Like every day is Ground Hog day and you do and say and wear the same thing and you're trapped in suburbia where everyone looks the same, lives in the same house, thinks the same and you sit there and pretend that you're the same too, but you're NOT the same so you recede into yourself...

Did you ever feel like there is nothing you even ENJOY anymore except sleep? Like you're surrounded by people, yet no one with whom you can totally relate in a truly authentic way with the exception of your spouse who is working so hard and so exhausted himself that you barely can form complete sentences with each other? Did you ever feel like everything that might be remotely pleasurable is now a chore - from intimacy, to time with the kids, to social occasions to hobbies? Where you go out with your friends and next thing you know your staring into your red wine having a therapy session with the poor, unsuspecting girl sitting next to you and you can't shut your stupid MOUTH and sound like you're an escaped psych patient recently off her Zoloft... and you wonder if you MIGHT need Zoloft? Did you ever???? ....

Ummmmmm.... yeah, me neither.

I wait for CB as I sit and write this post. She's on her way back home after her obligatory weekend with her dad. Her seizures have increased recently and I always worry more when she's not here. I think about CB as I sit on the floor of her room in our temporary housing, with my life in a holding pattern, struggling with my strange, blunted mood.

I think about her, folded inside of herself, so small, until the world can barely see her. Until she's somewhere else, a speck on the moon. She's had a short little lifetime of receding further and further away until all anyone sees is what they want to see. So far away, so lost. Lost even to herself. And strangely enough, she likes it best that way.

And it is in this moment that I realize for the first time in 14 years I can finally relate to my Autistic daughter.

13 comments:

Queenbuv3 said...

I so relate to this. I hate leaving my house. Everytime I do, everything is too noisy, the flourescent lighting is too bright, the sounds are too noisy and too many, the smells can be nauseating. I often wonder how my son must feel if I am feeling all this? I love being at home but even being home is full of Groundhog Day routines that stretch on into infinity. I only converse with my family or my one best friend. Everyone else seems fake, annoying or f'd up!

I have barely blogged in months. I stopped working out months ago. I literally split my jeans in the rear because I am eating far too much for my low level of activity. I am on mental vacation. Just like Bob, in "What About Bob?", I am giving myself permission to take a vacation from my problems as much as I can without ignoring them or neglecting my responsibilities.

When anyone has a child or children with special needs it can be so draining mentally and physically. But I think some of us are just sensitive to everything to begin with and LIFE is draining.

I'm not depressed, I've just decided to not be as wound up over everything all the time like I usually am. I think I am beginning to think that wearing a size 4 instead of a 1/2 might not be so bad, maybe I'll finally fit into a WOMEN'S A cup bra instead of buying them in the GIRLS section. I cut off all my hair because I just don't have the energy to bother with it.

I hope you are also on a mental vacay and not depressed. Try not to drink too much wine! Hang in there! I count my blessings daily and that gets me through every day : )

michelle said...

On August 19, the 12th birthday of my firstborn, I walked through a Shoprite collecting goods for his party, and I thought : I should be able to enjoy my son's birthday. In that moment, I allowed myself to finally agree to medication. I was done feeling like all my energy was required just to keep my head above water. I was done with KNOWING I have so much to be thankful for, and so much that should inspire joy, and not FEELING any of it. I recognized that although I think of myself as a really good mom, my kids were getting the short end of the stick because I was always struggling.

It takes a whole lot of energy to stay locked up inside, just to keep going forward. It takes a whole lot of energy to go forward without truly enjoying our blessings.

Almost 8 weeks on plain old Prozac, and I can't believe the difference. I was extremely high functioning, and loved, and all sorts of other good stuff. But now I see there was a dark filter that gave everything just enough of a negative, heavy slant that I was always working hard to stay positive. I don't have to work now cause that negative filter is gone. Not much that's external has changed in my life, but now big and little things aren't so overwhelming. I can have a sense of humor instead of being so bunched up all the time. I can breathe easy. I see the positive first. I can stay in the moment more easily. I'm more patient. I understand others better because I understand myself better. And I feel thankful, not guilty.

Sorry for the long comment, but your post really spoke to me.

Corrie Howe said...

I have to admit that I'm on...hum, I don't remember. It's an anti-depressant. I was always exhausted. I felt like I was walking around with medicine head or a hang over...and yet I had not taken medicine or drank anything. The doctor kept trying to talk me into an anti-depressant. For two years I thought he was crazy. My husband and I affectionately call him Dr. Quackenbush. (He's actually really good for serious stuff, not so serious about non serious stuff.) Anyway, when I found myself crying over a report of how healthy I was, I finally gave in. What the heck, we'd tried everything else.

It has made a huge difference. I have the energy I had before kids. My husband even pulled out the pharmacy paperwork on the meds to see if "there is speed in this."

I tell you what. For the first time in my 40 plus years, I'm surprised by the onset of my monthly curse. Usually my mood is a dead give away two days prior. Now, even my husband is surprised. He used to know before I did because I was so cranky.

Too much info? Well, I agree. You'r post reminded me of where I was before I agreed to take meds. I really didn't think I was depressed, just tired.

tiffrutherf said...

Uhgg, I hear you..Same routine everyday. On top of that my energy is being sucked away by my future off spring...but girl, let me tell you, I am not joke..I have a standing order for Prozac as soon as this little one escapes my hostile uterus! LOL!

Seriously, it will get better, your just in a "funk" right now.

Claire said...

Yes. And such an amazing post. Love you so much.

cameramom said...

Are we the same person because, wow, I so know exactly what you mean.

Nancy Campbell said...

I have had days like that, and it's hard. You're swimming through Jello, if you had the energy to move your arms.

Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. You're not alone.

Elizabeth said...

At first, when I saw the photo and the top of this post and began to read it, I practically laughed out loud. The photo is just so damn perfect. The rest broke my heart -- for you, for C.B, for all of us, really. It'll get better. It'll be all right. I'm thinking of you, knowing you in some small part.

Beth L. Gainer said...

This blog posting had me in tears. It's so moving and beautifully written. I can understand why you worry more about your daughter when she's not with you.

Arielle Lee Bair said...

Oh wow...that was a heavy, but beautifully written post. My heart goes out to you.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

I have been feeling exactly that more and more lately. Trying to just "get through it" when I swore I wouldn't operate that way. I feel so stuck, even though things aren't so bad right now. I worry when my boys are with their dad, too. I know he loves them, but he's not as vigilant as I am. It's never easy when they're gone. *hugs*

Mama Deb said...

I'm really catching up on your blog today! This is just beautiful. So very sad and way too understandable...but beautiful nonetheless.

Alicia (aka Dr. Mom) said...

I love you all for these heartfelt, wonderfully supportive comments! You're the best :) i don't feel so alone now...

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