There was a hole
In the Middle of the ground.
The prettiest hole
That you ever did see.
And, the green grass grows all around
and the green grass grows all around.
- Barney (yes, she's quoting Barney folks... she's LOST it)
This is our dream. A hole in the ground. It's a pretty hole isn't it? Soon, it will be studs and steel and siding and "low-E" windows looking out over a picturesque 1.7 acres of protected woods on a cul de sac.
Soon it will go from a hole in the ground to our dream home. DREAM home. Seriously.
I know that to some a house is a house, and that home has nothing to do with your physical surroundings. I know it can all burn to the ground in a moment and that you can't take it with you when you go. And I fully know that happiness and love in a family can exist within the walls of a tent, a trailer, an apartment, a cape, a 12 bedroom mansion. I know some people don't really care a lot about houses. Just like I don't care a great deal about what car I drive (if it has 4 wheels, and gets me there, that's fine), or shoes or expensive jewelry. But, I've always loved houses... NICE houses... driving through nice neighborhoods looking at the beautiful homes with the perfect grass in the well-manicured suburbian towns. Okay, so it's not every one's cup of tea. But, it is OUR dream. And, it's not really in suburbia. It's a bit more in the rural edges right outside of suburbian life surrounded by trees and wildlife and peach orchards.
It's a hole in the dirt right now. Some might say it's not worth it. It's all materialistic. Some might prefer to use the money to go on more vacations or have sexier cars or clothes or just go out to eat a lot. Some may say we should pare our lives down and do more charitable stuff with the money. Why put so much into a house? Certainly where we live NOW is more than fine. No complaints!
These are all good questions and valid points. Questions I've asked myself over and over again, because I would loathe myself if I were materialistic and mortified if anyone described me as such. Especially when I feel the guilt of "having" while so many "have not." I know I am completely undeserving. I've done nothing to warrant such blessings. And, I'm not just talking about the blessings of a nice house. I'm talking about my happiness and my wonderful life. I'm talking about a reasonably idyllic childhood with a safe and loving family. I'm talking about being married to my soul mate. I'm talking about having 3 healthy children, and one who may not be as healthy, but things could be FAAAAAAR worse, and ARE far more challenging for other people.
Why can't I stop feeling guilty and just feel the gratitude? Why do I feel like one day it will all get ripped away from me just to teach me a lesson? Why can't I just feel happy and deserving? No one handed this to us on a silver platter. We worked hard in school, we work hard now. We saved. We sacrificed. We don't have family money. Everything is what we've earned and saved on our own. Yet, I see those who struggle financially and face many hardships and I feel crappy and conspicuous and idiotic and... grateful beyond what any words could express.
It's a hole in the ground where we'll throw all kinds of money. We'll feel conflicting feelings of joy, pride, gratitude and guilt. It will be where our kids grow up, play, sleep, dream, move away from and return to. It will be our home. Like it or not, deserve it or not, it will be one of many dreams fulfilled in our lives. One that may be materialistic in one sense, but which will hold many new dreams and joys and memories and love - things that money could NEVER buy. The things that REALLY matter in the end.