Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Apparently, I Appear Double My Size at David's Bridal


"Look at your BIG BELLY, Mom!" is my loud morning greeting. Tink is smacking my belly playfully, laughing, and repeating her Big Belly comments as I lay semi-conscious in my bed at 6:45 this morning. Ah, just what I want to hear before my first cup of coffee. Or, like, ever.

Pinkalicious is on the other side of me, lifting up my T-shirt.

"EEEEWWWWW. What happened to your belly button, Mom?"

Since I was laying slightly to my side, the loose skin on my belly was all wrinkled up, resembling an elephant's knee and rendering my belly button a slit. This is what happens when you're a size 2 stick figure that then gives birth to 4 children. Though I have no stretch marks and have worked very hard to get (almost) back to my pre-baby weight and size, my tummy skin just hasn't bounced back. It's not noticable when I'm standing erect or laying suspine. But any other position is grotesque. Who cares, right? Riiiiiiiight. Not me... *sniff/sob/sigh*

Now that I'm feeling really hot and confident, I go to David's Bridal to try on and order my bridesmaid dress for my brother-in-law's wedding. I'm already feeling self-conscious at just being in the wedding party since the bride and her party are all in their early 20s and I'm like double their age with 4 children. Fortunately, the bridesmaid dress she selected is beautiful; the cut and color are flattering for me -and it's all about ME, of course.

I go into David's Bridal without children. I repeat WITHOUT children! Astonishing, I know. My husband had them over with him in another store so I could have a whole 24 minutes in peace. It is likely the only 24 minutes I will get for the next 2 or 3 months. I'm greatly appreciative not to have the peanut gallery with me in the dressing room after their 10 minutes of belly-belitting this morning.

The busy Saleslady helps me locate the dress. As we walk through racks of taffeta she does a quick visual body scan and reports her findings:

"Okay, it looks like you're a size 8, right?" which sounds more like a confident statement of fact than a question. She begins scouring the rack.

A size 8 is great. Wonderful. Perfect! I think that's what models wear, right? The only problem is this: I'm a size 4. Apparently, I appear double my size. So, it's not the NUMBER that she said... it's the fact that the number was two whole dress sizes off! Yes, I know there will be many who are rolling their eyes right now because of this complaint, but hey, NO ONE, no matter what their size, wants to appear 2 dress sizes bigger!!

I suck in my stomach, straighten my posture and make a mental assessment while not trying to appear offended. Okay, I'm sporting a peasant-style tank top and shorts. Those peasant tops can make you look pregnant sometimes. And my upper arms have always been my worst feature. No matter how thin I get, the upper arm just looks like a hunk of Gouda cheese giggling amorphously from my shoulder.

Crap. Now I'm politely telling her that usually I wear a size 4 and she seems mildly apologetic and perhaps it's my imagination, but I think she partially doesn't believe me. Now I'm back pedalling... Maybe a 6, should I try a 6? She pulls a 4 off the rack. Crap. If this doesn't fit me, I'm gonna feel like a giant ass. A deluded giant ass WITH a giant ass.

Pleasefitpleasefitpleasefit....
I go to the dressing room, slip on the dress and slowly zip the side zipper pleasefitpleasefitpleasefitpleasefit..... zzzzzziiiiiiippppppp - P.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Ha! In fact, it needs a bit of taking in. Four kids, thousands of hours on the elliptical, forgoing chocolate and junk... and here I am. From a size 10/12 back to a 4. In your FACE David's Bridal Saleslady!!

I practially strut out in the gown. "Oh, it fits perfectly" she says looking mildly surprised. Yes it does lady. Yes. It. Does.

And once I rock my Spanx and push up bra, watch out! I might just actually LOOK like my true dress size. The Spanx are a necessity. Though I'm a size 4, I still have a mean muffin top.

That, plus the $20.00 discount and the 24 minutes of childless bliss... what more could a girl want?

9 comments:

Queenbuv3 said...

I have the same issues! I am a size 1/2 but I have hips (muffin top!) and belly fat and skin that will never go away! My daughter was 9.8 lbs. and my son was 8.9 lbs. so it is a miracle my stomach isn't worse but at a size 1/2 is sucks that I have rolls and squishy fat on my stomach. I know everyone is now rolling their eyes at me and saying why are you complaining. I als have flabby skin on my upper arms no matter how buff they get from working out and all my landscaping and gardening.

I agree that no matter what size you are, no one wants to appear bigger than they really are!

My daughter also relishes poking my squishy tummy and I also explain that that is what happens when you carry around two watermelons for 10 months each.

I also went from a A cup to a DD cup with both children so my breasts are shot! I also breast fed both for a few months.

No matter how imperfect my body is from having children I would never do anything other than exercise or eating healthier to change it. Our bodies are supposed to change when we have children. My husband isn't complaining so who cares! ; )

Congrats on proving the sales chick wrong : )

Beth L. Gainer said...

This posting is wonderful!! You're excused from having the belly because you birthed four children, girl!!!!! Just blame it on them.

I'm a much larger size than you, but thanks to the show What Not to Wear on TLC, I am able to camouflage my post-surgery hernia and cover up imperfections. I keep getting asked if I lost weight, and even though I didn't, I say, "yeah!!"

It's all about the camouflage.

Alicia (aka Dr. Mom) said...

right on beth! i totally agree. thats why people sometimes think im in better shape than i am... with this one exception! HA! im all about the camoflague too... accentuate the positive!! :)

Crystal said...

Just think if you were a size 12! :)

cameramom said...

I also have the saggy belly syndrome. It bothers me more than my husband, but he is sympathetic and bought me the Kymaro bodyshaper that they sell on tv. my youngest asked me one day what is that (referring to the tank top like top) and I said it's my belly squisher.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Ha! That'll be the last time that saleslady ASSUMES someone's size!

Jeannie said...

Totally understand. I had to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress for my young 20s SIL (I was 30)when I was 9 months pregnant. That's right! 9 months pregnant.

What's worse, it was the hours after I'd had an emergency root canal with not nearly enough drugs and the evening before I went into the hospital to try to get my breech Mr. Busypants turned.

I'm not sure which of the three events was the most horrifying.

Holly Nappi Collins said...

Ohhh, I could feel your happiness!! And yes, you are right, I'm a size 4 too and if someone, anyone asked me if I was two sizes bigger I would cry... And my daughter always tries to squish my belly, especially when I'm sitting...There's just something about squishy bellies..
(um, think I'll go to the gym today!!!)

btw, having trouble leaving comment from my new site on yours ... still working on it, so you know it's me from fearless folks...

rhemashope said...

Jiggle Belly is my worst enemy. If my kid said, "EEEEWWWWWW. What happened to your belly button, Mom?" I would say, "YOU!!!!!!!!!!"

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