I reflect on his words from time to time. I used to think how awesome it would be to find CB in Heaven made whole and perfect. Will she be walking and talking and standing upright with strength in her core and face so her jaw doesn't slack? Then I wonder, are there even "bodies" at all in the Afterlife? I don't presume to know anything about anything, but I've never been one to necessarily think that a Heaven situation resembles earth... like it's Earth Part II and we're all in the same bodies and driving our minivans but doing more divine work and never needing to eat sleep or die. I've always just imagined our spirits would be at their very best... unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness. Everything good. Everything pure. Everything whole.
There is a little place inside where I mourn the loss of CB. The loss of what should have been, of a "normal" mother-daughter relationship. Aside from the physical things that put her health at risk, most of the things I mourn are more selfish - because I am a human being of flesh living in this world that has constructed a way for me to think, to love, to be needed and to need. I live in the world of expectations and I am socialized to understand success, motherhood, and importance.
Yet, without those sociocultural constraints and expectations, there would be no losses to mourn. CB as she is right now would be whole and complete. She would only fill my heart, not grieve it. The day to day life wouldn't feel as difficult. It's difficult because I try to fit into a world that is not set up for families like mine and people like CB so we are always challenged, everyday. But, what if you stripped it all away - it ALL away - and there were no more "supposed tos" and no more expectations? What if it was just about hanging out with no agenda, just about 'being' and loving and not rushing and achieving? If we were just spirits of love with infinite time and no distractions maybe it wouldn't be hard at all. Maybe it would be pretty darn glorious.
And it all would be enough.
I want to believe there is something beyond this life. In my moments where belief beats doubt, I think about my reunion with CB after our life here is gone. I will know her because she will be CB, whole and complete, just as she is now. I will be the one transformed. I will finally be made whole and complete - made perfect.
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7 comments:
That is perfection -- what you've written right here. I often think of Sophie in this way exactly. What IF -- not what if she were normal -- but what if WE looked on her as perfect. You've said it so eloquently. Thank you for this -- it brought tears of recognition to my eyes.
This is beautifully written.
Oh how I wish we were neighbors. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fill a neighborhood, or at least a part of one, with other parents who "get it." Life would be so much easier.
This is beautiful, Alicia! I have thought many, many times about meeting Polly in Heaven and what she will be like. I have so many questions to ask her.
What an amazing piece of writing this is! Alicia, you are a wonder and, I for one, believe that both of you are perfect as you are. This is the path you are meant to tread together, to teach each other and learn from each other and teach others. And you are doing it splendidly.
Much love.
this whole thing is
...pretty darn glorious...
xoxoxo
I love this. For what it's worth, I think the Carly's of this world will be much more like themselves than we will. They have been given such grace already.
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