Golden Shower

I don't get to shower very frequently, and seldom manage it first thing on my chaotic mornings. Going one day without a shower used to totally disgust me. Now, I'm lucky if I bathe once every 3 to 4 days. No, I am not saying this with pride, and yes, I am as grossed out by that as you are.

Today, however, I did get my morning shower. A shower of a different kind. Yes folks, I was the recipient of a Golden Shower at 6:30 am. Translation: I was peed on. Full stream, full throttle, peed on. Though I have an infant in the house, she was not the culprit. It was my 13 year old, incontinent/non-toilet trained, disabled daughter. I was changing her diaper this morning and... Good morning sunshine!

Ah, nothing like getting peed on first thing in the morning. Not as gross as when a squirrel peed on my bare arm one summer in Williamsburg. At least I share genetic material with my daughter so the pee isn't foreign. You don't want foreign pee on you for sure, whether man or beast. But, isn't it good luck or something? I heard when a bird craps on you, that's a good omen. One of life's great oxymorons.

"Didn't she notice that she was peeing on you?" my husband asked. I stared at him in disbelief. Um, this is the girl that eats her own poop, walks out of the house naked, stuck her whole face in a chocolate cake at a dinner party, and will walk out in traffic without a single hesitation, thought or fear. So, no, peeing on me didn't register with her in any way until I yelled out "Mazeltov" a bit too loudly, which stopped her mid flow. In retrospect, I really don't know why I shouted that... I'm not Jewish, nor do I know what it really means. It just seemed like shouting my usual "Sh*t!" would be an inaccurate descriptor of the situation, plus I wouldn't want to inspire her.

The sin of it all was not the fact that I received a Golden Shower while still bleary-eyed on a Monday morning. It wasn't even that I had to wash my favorite, comfy black Old Navy sweatpants that I wear like, everyday. The real tragedy was that such a funny story had to go to waste. These are not the types of things that are shared freely with the regular suburban masses. "How are you today, Miss?" The bank teller asked me. "Oh great, just got peed on this morning" I longed to reply. I joined the typical moms in the dance class waiting room, longing to say: "So check this out, my teenage daughter pissed all over my leg today..." I could just see their mouths dropping open. A friend called and asked "What's new with you?" So tempted I was to retort with "Oh, you know, same old same old. My 13 year old pissed all over me."

Autism is such good fodder for comedy, only most people don't know that it really is okay to laugh.