Monday, February 2, 2009

Home Stage

I might be certifiably nuts. We are going to be putting our house up on the market in about a month. You might be thinking "Yes, in today's market, it is nuts to move if you don't have to" and this is true. But, this is not the reason I may be insane. Here's the real insanity: How on God's good earth am I supposed to keep this house "ready to show" with these four flippin' kids tearing it apart? This is my biggest stressor. It's not the packing, not the fact that we'll get nothing for this house and it will take forever to sell in today's market, and not the process of building our new home. No, its keeping this house looking "pristine" in case the realtor calls informing me someone wants to see it in an hour.

This is not a challenge, a difficulty, or an implausibility. It is an IMPOSSIBILITY. Case in point: A description of a single hour in my day...

My 4 and 3 year old want to go out and play. There's some snow outside, so I bundle them up and let them go in the fenced in back yard (I can see them through every window.) I go upstairs and see my 13 year old on our bed (she's my daughter with Autism) and her diaper is off... just lounging naked ready to pee all over our precious high end, latex mattress. As I get her situated and gather the sheets to bring to the laundry (naked butt cooties on the sheets... just can't deal) I see the baby toddling around with a container of Stove Top, lid off. I grab it and stick it somewhere and move on to laundry room. Then , I see the baby toddling around with all the food coloring, lids off, spilled on the floor. I clean up and end up with a blue hand. Then my 3 year old starts banging on the door to come in and go "pee and poops." As she takes care of business, and the baby now takes coffee mug off kitchen table and dumps it all over herself and floor. Luckily, the coffee was only lukewarm, because there is never time for me to actually drink my sweet nectar of the Gods.

I clean that up to find my forgotten 3 year old now off the toilet, unwiped, and lying naked all over our stripped down bed... did I mention she didn't wipe anything before getting up? More cooties. Strip off the million dollar mattress protector cover and head to laundry room again. Oops, forgot to close the bathroom door... baby is now in powder room toilet giving herself a sponge bath. Before that, she apparently felt like unraveling an entire roll of toilet paper onto the floor. Now, my four year old is clamoring to come inside and tracks muddy sloshy snow through the house. I mop all floors only to hear something that sounds like a rainstick... no, it's the baby, pouring a box of Stove Top (don't ask me how she got hold of that again) slowly into a pile on the floor. My 13 year old comes down the stairs to eat lunch. Of course, after she's done, the baby swipes the plate, runs across our freshly steam-cleaned carpets, tracking food all over, grinding everything in with her little shoes.

I look around, the bed is bare, the floors are sticky, laundry is piled everywhere, shoes are emptied from the closet, tupperware emptied from the drawer, food is ground into the carpet toilet paper unraveled on the floor, and every kid is half naked for some odd reason. Yes, potential buyers everywhere, can't you just envision yourself living here????

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