Saturday, April 18, 2009

How Am I? I've Changed 14 Diapers, Wiped Up Pooh, Vomit, and Piss... How Do You THINK I Am?

At some point I hope to not describe my mood or recap my day by way of bodily fluid descriptor. For instance. How do I summarize the past 48 hours? By ounces of bodily fluids that have been cleaned:

While signing our contract to build our new home yesterday, Pinkalicious out of the blue started saying she felt sick. By the time we arrived home, she was complaining of a sore throat, headache, and that her "belly hurt." She had a fever of 102.7. She then, laying in bed half-zonked, proceeded to pee herself 5 times over a one and a half hour period (She's been toilet trained for over 2 years). This required 5 sheet and wardrobe changes. She then vomited.

Then, at about 8:00 pm, Tink woke up crying shortly after being put to bed. She randomly pissed herself too - highly out of character as SHE'S been toilet trained day and night since 26 months of age. More sheet changes and scrub down. CB then had diarrhea. Okay, gross enough changing this type of diaper on baby or toddler. Try a pubescent almost 14 year old with adult volume poohs. You go through an entire box of baby wipes. By the time my husband arrives home from work (at almost 9:00 pm) he sees me giving CB a bath and only needs to hear this litany of bodily fluid clean ups to know how my day went. He knows to walk on egg shells. He pours the wine.

It's now Saturday morning. At 6:00 am the first child wakes, and over the next 30 minutes the other 3 become conscious as well. By 7:30 am, CB has another explosive diarrhea that the diaper could not contain. Plus, CB is an infamous fecal smearer. Without getting graphic... um, it was a disaster. Whatever... this happens 2-3 times a week for me.

No sooner am I done this hazmat clean-up when Tink wets herself because she waited too long to pull herself away from Little Einsteins or whatever mesmerizing show she was watching. I'm scrubbing up each step and mopping up the trail to the bathroom. CB's in the bath again as I disinfect the house. All this, and guess where my husband is this entire lovely morning? Still in BED. It was an important job. Who was gonna lay with Pink?

Oh, did I mention that at 9:30 am he surprisingly announced he had to go in to work for the rest of the morning? Oh, that's fine. No problem. I can handle it. You go work. Poor baby. I'll just stay here swimming in a pool of bodily fluids in Stay-At-Home-Mom paradise.

Um, can someone pass the Bon-Bon's please? Oh, wait, perhaps that's not a bon-bon....


Chun Wong said...

What an awful 48 hours ! I hope it stops now. At least your husband did help by pouring the wine - crucial at times like this!

Chun Wong

Claire said...

Gee, I was going to do the body fluids post, but, ummmm, I think you win...or whatever. Thinking of you with clean lovely thoughts.

Michelle said...

Well, I guess you had to "pay for" the fun you had at the engagement party sooner or later :)

tiffrutherf said...

Wine? girl you needed Vodka!!

Don't you love those surprise schedule announcements by our husbands? "Oh I forgot to tell you, have to go to work this morning"...that's when grab your bottle of vodka and say in your slurred voice.."Oh honey, I forgot to TELL you, in 5 seconds I'm going to rip off your ears...shove them in your back pocket so you can HEAR ME KICKING YOUR ASS" Then YOU vomit, piss yourself and pass out (take a lamp and a few books down with your fall for effect) Nice!..

Well, That's just my daydream..but I'm pregnant so I am evil right now! Ahhha-ha-ha-ha (I'm laughing like that creepy guy at the end of the Micheal Jackson "Thriller" song) God, I need to have this baby soon.

Elizabeth said...

Like one of my friends says, "This IS the life, isn't it?" Hope things are better soon.

hellokittiemama said...

This was us the week before Easter. Monday night Alex got sick in bed. Tuesday AM it was the little miss. Tuesday it was both kids full force. By Wednesday my husband was in bed groaning while I continued to do everything still. Thursday I got sick and the kids were still sick. Even though my husband didn't feel hot he WENT TO WORK!!! By friday everyone else was healthy but me!! Nice.

Hang in there!!!!!

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

"He pours the wine." - Ha! He better! Hope everyone's on the mend soon.

Jeannie said...

Hey! I'm behind on your blog but will catch up. You're in my reader just waiting to be read. Sorry for sick kiddos and bodily fluids. Yuck! Thanks for making time to check out Magic Marker Monday on my site. Glad you enjoyed the pretzel art.


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