Friday, December 4, 2009

From The Archives: "How To Derail A Train With A Lump Of Sugar"

Originally posted March 2009

I realized today that I must adopt a new strategy with my eldest's diaper changing. Since we're in a house full of girls, little girls, I just change my 13 year old's diaper anywhere and everywhere. Kids are running around naked constantly. I dress in front of them, shower in front of them, and scarcely am I ever able to pee in private. The only one who is not naked, or getting their butt publicly wiped around here, is my poor husband. He is the epitome of modesty.

Back to the diaper changing. I don't know what protocol is exactly for changing a pubertal teen, so I just do what I do with my 15 month old. Slap out the hazmat clean up gear and get to work, where ever the incident is discovered (and I'm talking about when we're HOME, not out in public, so don't get all crazy!) I mean, it's not like I can fit her on a changing table. Furthermore, she lacks any semblance of modesty and my 4, 3, and 1 year old really don't register nudity-related issues . Well, at least that is what I THOUGHT until today's Stumpper. You know, The Stumppers: the kinds of questions your kids throw at you that make your brain freeze and your mouth go "hommina hommina hommina."

Nutshell:
Me: Changing a giant, messy, smelly crap
13 year old daughter: Supine on floor, assuming the diaper changing "position"
Peanut Gallery: Hanging out at the table with PlayDough.

4 year old looks down at us with her bird's eye view and says

"Ewwwww, she's got hair on her BUTT!"

Why yes, she does. Can't deny the obvious now can I. And why should I?

"Why does she have HAIR on her BUTT?"

I answer "Well, when kids become more grown up, they grow hair on their private parts and under their arms." I'm doing great. It's human anatomy, pre-k style.

I should have foreseen the next question:

"Do YOU have hair on YOUR BUTT Mom?"

Good Lord! NOW the conversation is really taking a detour. I can't say "No" because that contradicts the explanation I just gave, and requires further discussion and a potentially confusing situation. I can't say "Yes" because then I can see her proclaiming "Mommy has hair on her butt" at a family function or in front of her pre-school teacher. I certainly cannot explain how people utilize all sort of hair removal techniques, and that while if I were stranded on a deserted island sans wax, razors or other deploritory I may become more familiar with "the jungle," that presently I follow the logic of the Brazilians, thank you very much.

In the space between my answer and the next unrelenting question, I suddenly realize I have something very useful on the counter that could really bring this conversation to it's well-deserved, age appropriate conclusion.

"Who wants a cupcake?!?!"

Ah, I never knew it only took a small lump of sugar to derail a train.

11 comments:

pixiemama said...

I never thought I would share this...

Finn, our 2-year-old, comes into the bathroom every morning as I emerge from the shower and points to my ... and yells "dirty! dirty!"

And then I shut the door in his face.

Cupcakes might work better.

Elizabeth said...

I love this. I once heard a story of a little girl taking a shower with her mother, and she pointed to her pubic hair and asked what it was. Her mother told her it was called "pubic hair," and the little girl said, "Oooo-fancy!"

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

My mother's favorite story about me happened when I was three years old and she took me to Disneyland. She took me in the bathroom stall with her, and apparently, when she sat down to pee, in a very loud voice I demanded, "You mean you have HAIR THERE?!"

P.S. The title of this post is perfect.

Cinda said...

If nothing else our children keep us humble and provide so many laughs. Great story!

kys said...

That is exactly what I would have done, too. (So funny!)

Mama Deb said...

Thank you for the chuckle, though I'm certain not a damn bit of it is really and truly funny in real life. But as the saying goes, you gotta laugh...

gavinwdorton said...

Gods mill grinds slow but sure........................................

Beth L. Gainer said...

Ooooh, tricky situation!! Thank goodness for the cupcakes. I have an almost-18-month-old toddler, and I'm dreading some of the awkward situations that she's going to reveal publicly about her mama.

Genevieve said...

Cupcakes are always a great redirect of any subject!

Tera said...

I hope you washed your hands before giving out cupcakes ;-) kids...gotta love them!

blackknightsbrood said...

HA!!! Thanks for the laugh.
I fold. Always thought I had my hands full with 4 stair stepped kids, but you - with this post, You win.

My friend took her 4 year old to the bathroom in a movie theater. It was a tight fit in the stall, and her daughter exclaimed loudly that she couldn't wait until she grew a penis. A woman in the next stall began to snicker as my friend explained to her daughter that in fact, since she was a GIRL she would never be growing a penis. "But YOU have one Mommy!", her daughter came back with. (The woman next door was losing it now). "Uh - No. I do not have a penis", clarified my friend (both for her girl and the lady next door). "Well then what's that big hairy thing?"

At this point, my friend gently rapped on the wall separating her from the next door lady. "Can you please tell me when you leave so I can come out?"

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