Originally posted March 2009
I realized today that I must adopt a new strategy with my eldest's diaper changing. Since we're in a house full of girls, little girls, I just change my 13 year old's diaper anywhere and everywhere. Kids are running around naked constantly. I dress in front of them, shower in front of them, and scarcely am I ever able to pee in private. The only one who is not naked, or getting their butt publicly wiped around here, is my poor husband. He is the epitome of modesty.
Back to the diaper changing. I don't know what protocol is exactly for changing a pubertal teen, so I just do what I do with my 15 month old. Slap out the hazmat clean up gear and get to work, where ever the incident is discovered (and I'm talking about when we're HOME, not out in public, so don't get all crazy!) I mean, it's not like I can fit her on a changing table. Furthermore, she lacks any semblance of modesty and my 4, 3, and 1 year old really don't register nudity-related issues . Well, at least that is what I THOUGHT until today's Stumpper. You know, The Stumppers: the kinds of questions your kids throw at you that make your brain freeze and your mouth go "hommina hommina hommina."
Me: Changing a giant, messy, smelly crap
13 year old daughter: Supine on floor, assuming the diaper changing "position"
Peanut Gallery: Hanging out at the table with PlayDough.
4 year old looks down at us with her bird's eye view and says
"Ewwwww, she's got hair on her BUTT!"
Why yes, she does. Can't deny the obvious now can I. And why should I?
"Why does she have HAIR on her BUTT?"
I answer "Well, when kids become more grown up, they grow hair on their private parts and under their arms." I'm doing great. It's human anatomy, pre-k style.
I should have foreseen the next question:
"Do YOU have hair on YOUR BUTT Mom?"
Good Lord! NOW the conversation is really taking a detour. I can't say "No" because that contradicts the explanation I just gave, and requires further discussion and a potentially confusing situation. I can't say "Yes" because then I can see her proclaiming "Mommy has hair on her butt" at a family function or in front of her pre-school teacher. I certainly cannot explain how people utilize all sort of hair removal techniques, and that while if I were stranded on a deserted island sans wax, razors or other deploritory I may become more familiar with "the jungle," that presently I follow the logic of the Brazilians, thank you very much.
In the space between my answer and the next unrelenting question, I suddenly realize I have something very useful on the counter that could really bring this conversation to it's well-deserved, age appropriate conclusion.
"Who wants a cupcake?!?!"
Ah, I never knew it only took a small lump of sugar to derail a train.