Warning: If you're eating, have a weak stomach, or just don't like hearing about poop nonstop, then stop reading NOW cause I'm about to open a can of venting... and it's all about stools, feces, poop, doodie, dung, patties, crap, sh*t, diarrhea, Mr. Hanky the Christmas pooh.... POOPY!
Oh, and if you're a male follower that has told me you don't like my whiny, "motherhood is so hard" posts? You might not care to read this one.
There. You've all been warned.
I seriously feel like I live the life of a dung beetle... just rolling around a big giant ball of pooh in the barren desert. I want to stop looking at pooh, wiping up pooh, cleaning pooh off every blessed thing I own... talking about pooh, writing about pooh.... I am SO DONE with this SH*T! Literally.
So, I think I've mentioned here and there that my 14 1/2 year old disabled daughter, CB, is in a diaper. After 10 years of "toilet training" nothing has improved at school or home. It's just soooooo not happening. Therefore, changing diapers is part of life. I will NEVER be done with diapers...even after my little Rella uses the potty, I'm not done.
Oh, and I'm not sure I mentioned that CB is what they call a "fecal smearer" meaning she gets into a dirty diaper, covers her hands and body with it and whatever is nearby: walls, rugs, bedding, you name it. This has been an on-going problem forever. It's honestly the LEAST fun part of her disabiling condition. That's putting it mildly.
So, typically we have a fecal smear 1-3 times a week. That's an average. Sometimes we'll go a week with nothing: That's a major celebration.
But for the past 9 solid days in a ROW I have had to clean up a huge giant fecal smear/head to toe poop incident. NINE days. Oh, and 2 year old Rella has joined in the fun and this week she TOO has removed her poopy diaper and left messes for me. Oh, and Rella's also flat out refused to nap for over a week and just disrobes in her crib and pees all over. Twice I walked in and found her naked with soaking wet hair. I still can't figure out how she peed on her HEAD but she did. Flippin' Houdini that kid.
CB's fecal smearing always happens at the most inopportune times... Like 40 minutes before 10 ladies are coming over to bookclub at my house and I'm in the middle of preparing the food and .... here comes CB down the stairs with poop in her hair, mouth, up her nose, all over both hands as if she dipped her hands into melted fondue chocolate.... smearing it all over the walls and stairs as she goes. Yeah.... right before bookclub... and my husband isn't home from work yet to help and the 3 other kids are running all over, making messes, crying, fighting, spazing out, complaining... I thought someone would have to take me to the nut house. The week just went on from there - between Rella and CB I think they were both seeing how far they could push me into a Mommy Dearest Moment, but I'm holding strong!
So, do you see where I'm going with this? Nowhere. There is nothing to this story except venting about the CRAP that I'm mired in day in and day out. Just crap. Constant. Literal crap as in feces from someone's bowels. EveryF*ingWhere. And while I usually handle these things pretty well, I need a moment to vent because right at this moment I'm ready to have a feces-induced nervous flippin' breakdown. For Real. Because it's not just a bad day, a bad week, a "phase" soon to be outgrown. It is a life sentence.
Others are blessed with the knowledge that "things will change" but there are things for me that will not change. I am completely willing to accept this and I'll always be there, taking care of her, as long as I'm alive. ALWAYS. But sometimes, for brief moments when it is all piling up, I suddenly feel like I'm recessing into a long black tunnel with no air and it reeks of futility.
Sometimes it feels like I can't take it anymore. I should be Mother Theresa. I should be all accepting of everything and everyone and just be full of joy at all the ups and downs of motherhood. But, sometimes I'm just spent. Fried. Done. I want off the ride. I feel sick. I wanna go home, but home is covered in poop and I'm tired of wiping it up. And, I'm clear through an entire bottle of carpet cleaner. I long for someone to step in and be the supermom, and save the day because I seriously suck at it. But the supermom is me. There is no one else.
If someone had a magic cure, I wouldn't be like those parents that are like "Oh, no, if there were a magic cure I wouldn't give it to my child... it would change who they are, and I love them how they are." Ok, am I the only bad mom out here who is like: "Dude, magic pill to make CB typical? No hesitation. Sign me UP! NOW!!!" Oh, the disability community will LOVE me now! Let the hate mail begin...
You know, when the sun rises tomorrow, I'll hit the ground running with a great perspective. It's just that right now? I need a moment to say this seriously blows. Big time chunks. And I'm drained. I'm on disability burn-out. I'm on poop-patrol burn out. I'm fried. Ah, that feels much better. Sometimes you just gotta vent and move on.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
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23 comments:
I ache for you. Really. Back to my wise mommy. "Sometimes it is so hard you just have to take it one minute at a time. That's all you can do" (Lois, 1982). Not hour or day, minute. May you find a minute or two of joy today. And maybe a super hero. Respite care?? C.
I know there are no words that can make this situation better.
I can feel the frustration, anxiety, and finality of your emotions about CB and the daily onslaught of caring for a child with such tremendous needs.
Both of my boys have their fecal smearing days...sometimes a few in a row but thankfully we live in such a small space that I can typically catch them before the smearing goes too far because I can smell their dirty diapers from the other room.
Its daunting when I consider their future and my own because they will be intertwined for the rest of my life and not in the way that a typical parent is involved with their children when they become adults. You and I (and quite a few other moms I know in this situation) will grow old still caring for our children and their basic needs everyday. I try to think only of the here and now because otherwise it makes me want to cry. and a lot of the time I do.
Please know that you are not alone. Its a club no parent ever wants to be a member of but it seems we are members regardless.
I have considered the possibility that someday I may not be able to care for my children any longer. Either due to their aggression or elopement risks or because they will someday be men and how will I care for 2 grown men with severe autism? I have looked at residential facilities and cringed. But then I look again and prepare myself for the possibility that someday I may not be able to do this anymore.
I am sure you have done the same.
I got nothing...I wish I did. If I could I would come over your way and just help...I've been pooped on, peed on, puked on and even hit in my line of work (midwife) not a lot of people can stomach it...but I could...I just wish you had some relief. You are a true saint mamma and there is a special place for you, I KNOW that does not help TODAY while on Sh*t patrol, but there is and you'll be highly rewarded for your amazing efforts and ability to care for and love ALL your children in the manner you have. Squeeze from me!
You know what? We're two fried eggs, sunny-side down. Meaning, I'm with you, if that's any help at all.
I know that feeling of the future, looming ahead and I think your facing it and hating it is perfectly appropriate. I won't spend any time here talking in Pollyannish terms but instead, acknowledge this shitty life that you're leading right now and hope FOR you that there will be some relief and relief SOON.
Kudos for getting that out there! Best venting ever. I do hope you can find some respite soon.
Hey, there is no shame in saying that. Nobody ASKS for that life. If it were so great we'd all want to clean poo off the walls. You got a bum deal, seriously. You can love your kids and not love everything about them. It doesn't make a bad person or a bad parent. It makes you a normal human being who has to deal with more sh!t than most of us. I hope you can find some solutions or some assistance. Until then, hang in there, you're a quarter-inch away from sainthood. ♥
Girl, I would sign my child up for that magic cure as well -- no hesitation!
You amaze me. I wish I lived next door to you.
I am sending a big hug your way all the way from Texas.
Leah
fruitypebblesfordinner.blogspot.com
What about in-home care support? We have that for our daughter who is in her 20s and affected a good amount by autism, it is a life savior. I also don't feel guilty anymore trying to deal with it, when I just know I can't anymore. I also have a daughter born extremely premature with severe form of cerebral palsy and who is blind. Sometimes being super mom no matter the disability can be nearly impossible, but there is help. Where are you located? can you contact your local ARC? local easter seals? local DDD(division of developmental disabilities)? I'm sure they can offer some sort of advice. Best of luck, I feel for you!
Thank you EVERYONE for being so supportive and kind :). I actually feel like an Ass since venting bc honestly, there are people in way worse situations than I. I DO get respite in the sense that she goes 2 weekends a month to her biological father's (per joint custody arrangement) 2 states away. It's a long drive, but she loves him and it does give me and my family a few weekends respite. Yet, somehow, during the week when all the crap is hitting the fan and its nuts and my husband isnt home until 7:30-8:00 pm I just get overwhelmed. I should just be grateful for the reprieves I have and not be so down. I feel better today, having vented and heard friendly voices supporting me :)
BIG HUGS!!!
apparently, i am a much worse mom than you because i would grab that magic pill and be running down the street and clicking my heels so fast that the magic pill distributor wouldn't even know what hit him.
no more autism? HELL YEAH!!! sign me up!
i enjoy reading your blog. it's very honest.
The fact that some people have it worse does not negate the fact that you have alot of shit to deal with. Period. Vent away, my dear, you deserve to.
I wish I would have read this earlier. Glad you are feeling better but please don't be hard on yourself. Vent if you need to. I am not judging you and those that are? Screw Them. Seriously.
I know. I know. And then also...I totally know. :)
Thanks for your honesty. I feel like the queen of the caveats or like I can't quite go there as much as I'd like to. I have always been intrigued by those that claim they wouldn't change their severely disabled children to not be disabled. I would absolutely love to know the person M could be without autism. Hugs to you. Hey, I have an idea...I'm thinking we need to have an autism Mom blogger meet-up (how's that for a slew of run-ons?) at my casa in Northern California. I'm totally serious. I have the room and a view of the ocean. Oh, and Sonoma is just over an hour away.
I am totally not kidding about this!!
Don't apologize for venting! Anyone who would call you on that obviously doesn't know shit. (Sorry if the pun was inappropriate. Hope your spirit feels better soon, my friend.)
You are NOT a horrible mom or a horrible person. You are human. And amazing and you've dealt with something for 14 years that would have made many of us throw up our hands YEARS ago.
I have no words of wisdom, no magic wand (or pill), just a hug or two to share. I wish I did have some way of helping.
I'm with you girl..who in their right mind would not take that pill..seriously.
BTW, Today I had to stop breastfeeding my 3 month old to brake up a fight between the 3 YEAR old and the 8 YEAR old over what you ask?? A friggn Gummy Bear..Gusess what? I ate that Mofo right in font of them and sent them both to bed at 6pm..bad Mom, NO, feed up Mom hell yes..
LOL!!! @tiffrutherf... that is the BEST story EVERY! Im laughing so hard right now!!! :D
i'm with you, friend. my girl is only 6 but it seems like i've been dealing with the poop art forever. the fact that she seems oblivious to it is what kills me. i just wrote a post about this last week. when i'm cleaning up the stuff, i think of you, and it helps to know i'm not alone.
Oh Man. We had half a year of daily poop art - for it to go on and on - mercy. You've got a tough hand.
tiffrutherf - the gummy bear. That was funny.
I applaud you for being honest. I don't think anyone can condemn you for that.
If there was a magic pill to cure disabilities the manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand for it. It's easy for people to say that they wouldn't change things if the option isn't there.
Hi, Alicia, I just found your blog last week through a blog friend of a blog friend...anyway, I literally cried when I found yours and particularly this post! I have a 10 year old daughter with severe autism and other developmental delays, and I can sooo relate to being tired of the poop patrol! I haven't ever talked to another mom (or dad for that matter) who goes through the same crap as I do! I sometimes feel very alone in this. I was so glad to find someone who truly gets it! I really look forward to reading more of your posts. Your daughter is a beautiful young lady, and she reminds me a lot of my Polly...long and slim with a lot of attitude! Their eyes speak volumes! Thanks again for venting and letting me know there is someone out there also cleaning up the walls!
Richelle,
Thank you so much for leaving this wonderful comment. It always means so much to hear to hear from other people out there in similar situations :). Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment or email me anytime :)
Aww, that's a bunch of shit!
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