Monday, August 19, 2013

Pain Full

So, you may have noticed the crickets chirping over here in my corner of Holland.  Yes, this does happen from time to time for a variety of reasons.  Usually because I'm in the weeds - too many writing deadlines, too many activities and events, losing my writing mo-jo, etc.  This time, I got a whole new reason.

Pain.  Serious, obnoxious, extreme, down-right debilitating pain. Pain Full.  I hurt my back and it's flat out painful. Of course it was when I was doing something very simple, very rote.  That's the way it usually goes with backs, I guess.  I wish I had a better story than shuffling around a bunch of boxes that weren't even all that heavy. I guess it was less embarrassing than that time I threw my back out getting off of the little chocolate factory tour ride at Hershey Park. That was awesome. 

I could go on and on about the last two weeks... how horrible it was... and still is... and yadda yadda... but I doubt anyone really wants to hear a diary entry of my last 13 days of agony and honestly, I'm so over it.  I'm over it, mentally, but unfortunately my body is not following suit.

What I will say about my stint with chronic, unrelenting, close -to-sheer-debilitating pain is this.  My experience, in a small and transient way, has made me understand a bit what it would feel like to live with a disabiling condition.  The pain has limited my mobility, left me housebound most of the time and when I have braved several outings, I often need to relinquish myself to the margins. 

"No, Mommy can't go in the pool.  No, we have no food because I can't make it to the store.  No, I have to pass on bookclub tonight. No, Mommy can't carry you, you can't sit on my lap.  I'm going to have dinner in bed tonight, while my family eats downstairs.  No, Daddy will tuck you in, I can't move. I'm sorry, I can't concentrate on a word you're saying, I'm so wrapped up in my own pain right now."

Even when I've shown up to things, I'm not really fully engaged.  Pain, as it turns out, doesn't just hurt physically. It limits you emotionally and socially and with those limitations you watch the party go on from the sidelines. 

Cape May Zoo... a family summer tradition.  Not even immense pain could keep me from this excursion, but it was brutal. I stayed quiet the entire time, sweating and shaking, but I did it.  

Pink had a small, be-lated Birthday get together with a few little friends whom she missed over the summer.  It was mellow - a movie, popcorn and ice cream cake which was about all I could manage.  It made her happy and her little gang seemed to have fun. 

We hung out at our pool's big summer extravaganza - pig roast, night swimming, camp fire, games and fun. I stayed in bed all day so I wasn't so bad that night. I was able to enjoy myself a bit with minimal pain.  By 11:00 pm I was ready to die though.  But, it was worth it. 

At least I know my crap is temporary.  I can't imagine living with a limitations or with chronic pain or with anything that makes the regular stuff in life more difficult.  I simply cannot imagine.

Anyway, enough of that woe-is-me-nonsense.  I'm sure I'll be better soon.  I have a wonderful family, a supportive husband and great in-laws who have gone above and beyond to help me and keep the kids busy and happy.  I have been overwhelmed by the number of friends who have offered to help.  I'm so touched and even though I didn't need to take anyone up on it, it meant so much to me to have so many reach out with sincere offers of support.

So, even though I didn't think I'd write a post about my stupid dumb back, I guess I just did.  That's about all I can muster because unfortunately sitting in a chair to type this has been a very unpleasant experience. My right leg is numb, my sciatic nerve is on FIRE, and I'm almost ready to cry - but it felt good to blog.  Hope to have more to say soon... and not about my back but about the rest of our awesome summer!


kario said...

Ugh, I'm sorry. Back pain is awful and when it lasts for a long time, it's crazy-making, especially if you're used to being very productive. I really resent it when the Universe sends me messages like that, but it is an interesting exercise in learning to tolerate getting older.

Hope you feel better soon.

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry to hear this. My mother has suffered constant and debilitating chronic pain (back, neck, etc. etc.)for years and years, and I know that it's changed her literal personality. Terrible. I hope you get ahead of this and find relief. I will send you love and strength and thoughts of ease and relief.

Christy said...

OMG you poor poor thing. I wish I could help. You know I actually would, but it doesn't sound like you need anything - thank goodness for your support system. I hope your back feels better TODAY. And, I'm so glad I read this - my mom is coming to visit for a couple days and maybe we'll trek out to the Cape May Zoo for an excursion!

Alicia D said...

Thank you all.
@ Kari - you always have such a wonderfully Zen look on life and I am thankful, always, for your insightful comments. I wish I could just stream you into my ipod or something... I would be so much more "chill" that way LOL!

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