Sunday, May 3, 2009

I Have Bad Cheese Karma

Somehow, there is a hiccup in my tiny space of the Universe. Everything is all messed up, discombobulated, and flat out annoying. What was sweet has turned sour. Where there was patience is aggrevation. What was full is now empty and what was empty is ... still empty. I am annoyed at almost everyone and their annoying traits that never annoyed me until a few weeks ago. Mostly I'm annoyed at myself. I'm completely crabby, complainy, jealous, myopic, small-minded and can't even blame it on PMS. I blame it on the CHEESE. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, I need to explain that everything has really started to go down hill. Well, more downhill than normal. I realized this standing on the Interstate mid-three-hour-drive with 4 small hungry children in the pouring rain while Tink was using the potty seat for the third time in 2 hours because the child's bladder is the size of a pea. Usually I just laugh at the ridiculous mini-disasters that punctuate my day. But now, I feel like I'm literally stuck in some type of Bermuda Triangle of Ridiculousness. It's like everything I touch turns to crap. If I'm holding something, I drop it. Including my own children. (Tink can attest to this after dropping her directly on the ceramic bathroom floor of a public restroom face first. She carried the bruised face for days). If I don't drop it, I lose it (like my flipping, dumb, stupid drivers license that vanished into thin air, or into Staples copy machine). I also feel like everyone who once liked me now doesn't... or maybe they just stopped putting on a show just to placate me. My husband swears I'm overly sensitive, but I say this: There is a tiny black cloud following me around and I believe it's made of stolen cheese.

Yes, one day it hit me like a bolt of lightening. Several weeks ago, Rella had shoplifted $7.45 worth of fresh, shredded Parmesan Reggiano from the Shop Rite. I didn't realize this juvenile offense until I got out to the car with all my bags. It was stashed under her little coat. We had to go directly to ballet class, so I vowed to go back another day to either return it or pay for it. Well, I wanted to RETURN it, because that is quite expensive for a tiny plastic baggie half filled with shredded cheese. Especially to someone who buys her cheese in perfect, flat, neon orange squares wrapped in individual slices. Days went by and it sat poised and ready in my fridge. I went back to Shop Rite twice, but forgot the cheese. Finally, one day I was serving pasta to guests and needed Parmesan cheese... which of course we ran out of because that is my life right now... you know, everything always going wrong... so I had to succumb and opened and ate the $7.45 STOLEN cheese!! Clearly, The Universe does not like this. Especially since I've vowed to be a "Good Girl" after being such a schmuck the first 3 decades of my life.

I really need to get this pilfered cheese back to the store so I can pay for it, without making a big production. I think I'll just smuggle it in and let it ring up nonchalantly along with my other groceries. Without fan fare. Without "Oh look at me, good citizen, paying for my accidentally stolen cheese!"

Except that NOW I'm telling all of YOU about my good deed... so, that kinda eradicates the good karma with "boasting" and "pride."

Hmmmm, little black cloud o' doom may be staying with me for a while. Perhaps, instead of shaking my fist at the cloud, I'll just sport a cheerful pink umbrella and smile... Say Cheese!!!


Elizabeth said...

Oh, I hear you. I feel like I'm under that same black cloud and I'm not sure where you live but we're traveling under it with you. This was such a funny post.

I recommend you go to the store and just tell them that you need to pay for the cheese.

Or let it go.

Queenbuv3 said...

I would just let it go. The cheese is out of the bag. We all mess up. What would make this whole cheese drama your fault would be if you told your child to steal it. And you didn't. So you are not at fault and shouldn't feel guilty. I really believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, even what seems negative is usually intended to teach us something. Just make sure you do a strip search on your children before they leave the store next time, LOL! And you will probably pay the store back the next time they double scan one of your items ; )

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

We had that happen once with Nigel taking a dog harness. Yeah. Imagine taking that back to the store!

Related Posts with Thumbnails