I have an uncharacteristic throbbing headache today, but slept better last night even with Tink's 4:00 am awakening. She's home sick with fever for the second day. I'm not feeling too hot myself, but can't tell if it's just emotional or an illness coming on. I'm just heavy in the body, mind, heart and spirit.
The loss of hope and faith in both this world and beyond leaves an empty hole in the center of your soul.
However, four lanterns appeared in my personal fog.
I forced myself to attend my book club last night. I let myself speak unfiltered and in doing so allowed myself to be vulnerable (which is something I find quite difficult). I felt a little "I wonder if everyone thinks X, Y, and Z about me" for a few seconds afterwards but my long friendships with most of these women means I need to trust that we love and accept each other for who we are. Unless I show who I am, no one can truly know me.
I read blogger Kelle Hampton's post entitled Restoration and it offered yet another small lantern in the dark. I've stolen an excerpt she cited :
“Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.” (from Daring Greatly, Gotham Books, 2012)
I took CB to get her blood drawn again this morning, with Tink (home sick from school) and Rella. The phlebotomists there are the nicest ladies and we come so often that they always remember us. A gentleman with disheveled clothing and missing teeth let us go ahead of him so CB didn't have an extra wait. The ladies were sweet with her, despite her antics. There is kindness in the world all around; in the small, everyday, simple ways. There is kindness.
Finally, on the way home I heard one of my absolute favorite songs sung by my new band obsession, Mumford and Sons. My spirit soars like a giant balloon whenever I hear it.
My spirit didn't soar quite as high, but it's being restored.